Nosferatu

Some say the origin of the vampire stories is sexual repression in Victorian times, that it is a thinly veiled analogy of lust, sex and being swept away in the tide of desire.

Not so, I tell you. Nosferatu is real, and living among us. They are exceptionally beautiful creatures, drawing you towards them with their smooth pale skin and their deep blue eyes. You reach to kiss their cheek, then it happens. Suddenly, lightening fast, their head whips round and their mouth is on your nose, or chin, or cheek biting down with an unstoppable force, then sucking so powerfully they could drink you dry. If you are careful enough to avoid bringing your face near it does not matter – a shoulder, a finger, any flesh will do. As they bite and suck they rake you with sharp claws. If frustrated they utter an inhuman shriek which carries on the cool night air. You may have heard it last night, closer than you would like to think, in your street or even in your very own house.

Luckily they are easily dealt with. Rarely do they actually kill someone, preferring instead to leave their victim alive, ready for another attack later. Should you fear you have one in your midst, 2 things will protect you, 2 potions to ward them off. Not garlic, no cross or silver bullet will defend you. No, the only 2 protections you can rely on are these… milk, and bonjela.

Yes, dear reader, nosferatu, the vampire, is really a 4 month old baby, teething and hungry. Beware, he will bite you then drink you dry!

Here is an image of the beast in action…